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Monthly archives for October 2007
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Burn of the Day
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Perhaps a New Low
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Dead Guys I Like, Part 6
Okay, I admit it. I didn’t know much about Robert Goulet before reading his obituary today. (Come to find out, he was born in Massa-two-shits! Represent.)
Be that as it may, he starred in one of the most humorous commercials of recent memory, and I kinda loved him for it. I can’t remember what the ad was for … some kind of snack food … but Goulet was a (ceiling-crawling) bogeyman who messed up the shit on your desk in the afternoon if you let yourself fall prey to the post-lunch slump.
Not only was the commercial funny—even on repeated viewings—it took some derring-do for a guy of his generation to act so … I dunno, wacky. It was all William Shatner–like, only not creepy and pathetic.
I’m sure people more sophisticated than I will remember Goulet for his highbrow accomplishments, but he’ll always be the dude who kicked a cup of pencils off some lady’s desk to me.
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For the Love of All that Is Holy, What Do You Have against Thongs?
Dear Woman Who Works Four Cubes Over,
I’d like to congratulate you on your pert posterior. I never really noticed it until today, when I found myself trailing you in the hallway for a good 20 yards. I mean, it’s no Kim Kardashian ass, but it is tight, in proportion to your generally petite frame and not without a pleasant plump. I will even go so far as to admit that I enjoyed walking behind you, and I now hold you in slightly higher esteem than I did previously.
All this being said, I have one complaint I’d like to lodge. Full underwear? Frankly, my view was marred by the ensuing panty line.
I know what you’re probably thinking … But thongs are so uncomfortable. I hear where you are coming from, I really do. The comfort defense is only partially valid, though, and here’s why. When you first started wearing a bra, it was uncomfortable, right? But you wore it, because it was the right thing to do. No one wants to look at your tatas swinging in the breeze. Well, same goes for your segmented ass cheeks, I’m afraid.
I’m not gonna lie and tell you thongs are the most comfortable things on earth, but you do get used to them. Furthermore, there are many styles to choose from, including ones that have less of the anal floss thing going on. Don’t be afraid to shop around. (My personal favorite is the Tanga cut … a thong-boy short hybrid type of thing.) Of course, there’s always the option of wearing less form-fitting pants, but I can’t say I’m a proponent of this tact. A bangin’ ass is a terrible thing to waste, my sister.
It is the twenty-first century, after all. We have the technology. We live in one of the wealthiest nations in the world. Simply put, there is no excuse for a modern American woman, such as yourself, to have a panty line in this day and age.
Sincerely,
Your Concerned Coworker
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Name's Kirsten. I'm a splitter of hairs, a hillbilly, a rock horns devotee, an ellipses-lovin' fool, and queen of the conceptual jinx. I'm also a geek and the grateful human of littleblackdog. I do this and that and some of the other … up to and including writing this here blog.
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