Dear Reader,

I have not forgotten about my beloved blog or, by extension, you. That being said, it is sometimes the unfortunate fate of those who have a dearth of worthwhile things to do a deep and abiding commitment to the art of blogging for a flurry of worthwhile things to present themselves within a matter of a few short weeks … and for those weeks to fall right before “the holidays.” I am, of course, speaking hypothetically. I know no one personally who either has a dearth of worthwhile things to do or is possessed of a deep and abiding commitment to … well, anything.

Hmm. Where was I going with this? Oh, yes. I was going to try to placate you with some high-quality filler content, so you don’t abandon me CMG Unite. We’ve finally gotten readership and feed subscriptions up to a level that isn’t altogether embarrassing. I’d hate for us to lose ground when I’m still so enamored with you.

Anyway, as you know, I have a tendency to become preoccupied with the ins and outs of dating and male–female relations. This is not only because I am (perpetually) single, though there is that. For whatever reason, I just find this topic to be endlessly fascinating, and I can talk about it long after my friends’ eyes have glazed over and tiny threads of spittle have begun to dangle from the corners of their mouths. I read about it a lot too, and I’ve found a couple of things recently that I’ve been wanting to blog properly. For now, links and some snarky comments will simply have to suffice.

All the love I have in my heart,
Ms. Monkey-Gurl

Smart Women Are Scary
Um, duh. I read somewhere at some time in the not-too-distant past that for every 10 points above the norm a woman’s IQ is, her odds of finding a mate go down 10 percent. Okay, I’m pretty much making up the numbers, but you get the idea. As an astoundingly smart woman, did I find that the teensiest bit depressing, you ask? Nah. By my calculations, it’s a statistical anomaly that I found one mate, so I’m ahead of the game. Or, as a woman said to me not too long after my divorce, “At least you can say you were married once.” I leave it to you, fair reader, to guestimate that woman’s IQ relative to the norm and to determine just *how* flattering my calculations are to my own intelligence.

What a Girl’s OS Says about Her
I know, as a feminist, I’m supposed to balk at men’s efforts to fit us into little 2D boxes … you know, the Spice Girl method of understanding women. However, I find attempts of this nature not without humor … and pathos. Typically, they are also terribly revealing of the male psyche. To wit, no mention is made in this … um, article of women who use more than one OS. I mean, sure, like what are the, like, chances of a chick like that?!? A girl who knows her way around a box of wires and circuits? Hehe. Duuuuude. Good one.

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An insane schedule has had me off the grid for a spell. You haven’t missed much. No, really. Here are the highlights.

NOTE: Fear of being dooced (a term I only learned yesterday … so much for my nerd quotient), has resulted in the occasional omission. Sadly, I don’t think it detracts much from the conversations.

[10:36] Kiki: i’d rather have _____ with _____ than just _____ with _____ … even if they’re _____
[10:36] Kiki: u know?
[10:37] MD: ok i get it
[10:37] Kiki: like _____ … he’s _____ and _____, which is why i’ll _____
[10:37] Kiki: but there wasn’t _____
[10:37] Kiki: so he’ll be _____
[10:37] MD: haha
[10:38] MD: sometimes you act like such a guy. i like it

…

[11:09] Kiki: i got another new project this morning
[11:09] Kiki: wtf is going on here?!?!
[11:09] Em Em: i miss the lobby at the old place
[11:09] Em Em: guh!
[11:09] Kiki: yeah me too
[11:09] Kiki: i miss the lil store too
[11:09] Em Em: with the cheap smoothies
[11:09] Kiki: totes
[11:09] Em Em: : )

…

[11:44] Em Em: so i did talk to _____
[11:44] Em Em: and he said _____ could _____ at _____ and not _____
[11:44] Em Em: so i have to see if _____ is willing to _____ for _____
[11:44] Em Em: hmm
[11:47] Kiki: omg that sucks
[11:48] Kiki: HE shd go to _____ and do that
[11:49] Em Em: i know huh?
[11:49] Em Em: and nothing like “if they won’t _____, _____ and _____ me”
[11:50] Em Em: so, thanks
[11:50] Em Em: guh
[11:54] Kiki: jesus, em
[11:55] Kiki: i’m sorry
[11:55] Kiki: that means i’m screwed
[11:55] Kiki: i’ve got _____ to _____
[11:55] Kiki: if he won’t _____ you at _____ … he won’t _____ me at _____
[11:56] Em Em: i don’t know—i think he’ll _____ you because you’re _____
[11:56] Em Em: i’m _____ at the moment
[11:57] Kiki: seriously that’s so low
[11:57] Em Em: i know. so i’m like, wait, WHY do i want to _____?
[11:58] Em Em: and then _____?
[11:58] Kiki: yeah i hear that
[11:58] Em Em: and then end up _____ or _____ again?
[11:58] Em Em: it’s bullshit
[11:58] Kiki: it’s just here … that’s why
[11:58] Kiki: it’s like fucking ur wife just cuz she’s there
[11:59] Kiki: it’s easier than getting a divorce
[11:59] Em Em: gah!
[11:59] Em Em: that’s so depressing!
[11:59] Kiki: yeah well

…

[15:12] Kiki: wuddup over there?
[15:12] Em Em: pas beaucoup
[15:13] Em Em: wuddup wit yoo?
[15:13] Kiki: would u have time to come over here and shoot me?
[15:13] Em Em: i always have time for that!
[15:13] Kiki: i’ll turn my mirror away … sneak up behind me
[15:13] Kiki: i don’t wanna know it’s coming
[15:13] Em Em: ooh this is a dream come true

…

[15:19] Kiki: ah, well, i finally got _____ to spell my name correctly by insisting on spelling her name _____ … that’s my little passive-aggressive victory
[15:19] Em Em: who de hell is _____?
[15:19] Kiki: the one who _____ to _____ after like zero emails to me back in the summer … twat
[15:20] Em Em: oh right!
[15:20] Em Em: i still have no idea who that is
[15:20] Kiki: she looks just like _____ except _____
[15:20] Em Em: ???
[15:20] Em Em: they’re all _____
[15:20] Kiki: yup
[15:20] Em Em: this place is _____
[15:21] Kiki: at least i give _____ some cred for not having the _____
[15:21] Em Em: true
[15:21] Em Em: there is that
[15:23] Kiki: every cloud yada yada
[15:23] Kiki: or as i typed initially … every clod
[15:23] Kiki: HAHAHAHAHA
[15:23] Kiki: i kill me
[15:23] Kiki: (losing it over here)
[15:24] Em Em: heeee!
[15:25] Em Em: every clod does indeed have a silver lining
[15:25] Em Em: that’s my new motto
[15:25] Kiki: it’s no “resistance is futile” but …
[15:26] Em Em: heee
[15:26] Em Em: why isn’t the mail here yet?
[15:26] Em Em: it’s the only thing i have to live for these days
[15:26] Em Em: i’m like a girl during wartime

…

[15:37] Kiki: i just wanna put my head down on my desk
[15:38] MD: i’d rather just go home
[15:38] Kiki: well, yeah
[15:38] MD: duh
[15:39] Kiki: it’s raining and i didn’t bring an umbrella so i’m staying here til it stops
[15:39] Kiki: or until i starve to death
[15:39] Kiki: whichever comes first
[15:40] MD: haha

…

[16:40] Em Em: hmm have you ever heard of that “dooced” thing?
[16:40] Em Em: i had not.
[16:40] Kiki: me neither
[16:41] Kiki: it’s a thing that deserves a word tho
[16:41] Em Em: yeah we are way behind.
[16:41] Em Em: apparently.
[16:41] Kiki: *shrug*
[16:42] Em Em: you know what blows? i can’t even properly look forward to getting out of here because the commute home sucks so much.
[16:42] Em Em: IS THAT SAD OR WHAT???
[16:42] Kiki: sad funny
[16:43] Em Em: this is our life.
[16:43] Kiki: mhmm
[16:43] Em Em: seriously, thank god you’re here
[16:43] Em Em: otherwise it would just be plain sad, instead of sad funny
[16:43] Em Em: huh
[16:43] Kiki: i think the same thing every day about u, my dear
[16:43] Em Em: awwwww
[16:43] Em Em: we are so cute!
[16:44] Kiki: hee
[16:44] Kiki: we are truly
[16:46] Kiki: manana mon cheri
[16:46] Kiki: (is that only for lovers?)
[16:46] Kiki: oh well

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“God, you’re good lookin’.”

Of course, in an ideal world this would have been uttered by someone other than my 70-year-old neighbor, but you take it where you can get it.

Actually, I’m beginning to find that the, shall we say, “more experienced” men have a far better grasp of verbal wooery than the poor boys my age. Sigh. If only I were 40 years older.

(Note to all readers: Steal that line. Find someone who makes your palms sweaty, and say it. Today.)

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It’s been a while since I sported my This Is What a Feminist Looks Like t-shirt, but I happened upon this dumb-ass article today. Guh. Now, I gotsta dig it out of the back of my closet and put on my sensible shoes and shit.

See, the article’s all about how the author wants to date a woman who acts like a “w-o-m-a-n woman” and not a girl. Or about how that’s what all men want. Or … I dunno what this guy is getting at. Women should act more like Laura Bush?

Apparently, the epidemic of women acting like girls is evidenced by the fact that some chick with the gall to be “pushing 35″ in the author’s presence wore “kinderwhore lip gloss,” shouted “Oh my god, totally!” and generally resembled “jailbait.” I guess this guy forgot that the phenomenon known as jailbait is the result of girls adopting the sexually provocative behaviors and dress of women or otherwise appearing womanly. So even if women are universally “regressing” to jailbait, doesn’t that kinda put us back where we started … women pretending to be girls pretending to be women?

Bottom line, if anyone’s going to look like a common whore, isn’t it better a woman than a girl? Wha? I’m just sayin’. Surely there are bigger problems than immature women when short skirts and fuck-me lips call to mind teenagers and—god forbid—kindergarteners.

In any case, there’s a big difference between being youthful and being childish … between snickering at Happy Bunny and thinking we amount to little more than our glossy pouts … between having glitter-covered accouterments and being shallow narcissists. Personally, I wouldn’t be caught dead with a glitter-encrusted gadget of any kind, much less a Sidekick. But I’ll defend to the death a woman’s right to bedazzle her shit. (Don’t even GET me started on the benefits of a youthful outlook on neuroplasticity and all that deep stuff.)

I suppose it’s Mr. Dumenco’s prerogative to date chicks who wear sweater sets and throw tea parties and say I beg your pardon and suck but don’t swallow, ya know, if that’s what he wants. (They’re not any more or less “women” than the ones who like Hello Kitty.) For my part, I’ll take the guy who gets that a woman being herself is—by definition—acting like a “w-o-m-a-n woman,” whatever the fuck that means.

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